Apart

In the last couple of weeks, life has been stressful and time consuming due to school stuffs and life post HS (mostly). The past few months went by extremely fast that I couldn't remember any minor details that happened--and I'm really good at remembering all the unnecessary-slash-insignificant minor details by the way, especially the kind that make people go: "Dude!-What-the-Flip?-How-can-you-still-remember-that?"--or even the little significant things that are supposed to be remembered. I don't know. But there's just really been a lot of brain-related overload lately. In short, the preoccupation has been dead on agonizing.

Funnily enough, I was the young teenager who craved preoccupation because if I didn't have anything to do or to say or to think about... well... I honestly don't know what would become of me. I don't think I'd be here right now telling my story because my parents would send me off to some secluded mental hospital, where I'd become the second daughter they can't dare talk about.

OK... rambling. The point I'm trying to make is that I haven't been in touch with God lately because of my stressful earthly life. I finished Francis Chan's Crazy Love a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been to any bible studies in months. And I haven't attended church services in the last couple of Sundays.... which basically means I've been in a dark, miserable place in the last couple of weeks.

I was back to being impatient. I was back to being easily frustrated. I was back to being lazy. I was back to cussing. I was back to using some repetitive and negative word choice. I was back to complaining and rolling my eyes, which is really self-disappointing because I was progressing. I really was getting better at trying to control my thoughts, feelings, actions, and word choices. This all happened when I stopped communicating with Him for a day, and couldn't bring myself to really invest ten to fifteen minutes to talk to Him again the next. Like seriously. Imagine how everything I've been trying to change--because of my relationship with God-- snowballed the minute I lost the connection. It's... scary, frustrating, and depressing. Just plain negative!

And here's my lil' theory on that: We become negative so that there's room to become positive. We are hopeless so that we become hopeful once again. We get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of life so that we become found for our days in eternity. And when we are down, there's nowhere else to look and go, but up... where God is.

Back when I was a little girl, I didn't believe in God. When I became a young teenager, I questioned His existence. When I was in my mid-teens, I questioned whether I believed in Him or not. And now that I'm in my late-teens, I know deep in my heart that I believe in Him, in His Power and Grace because for His Love for us. How do I know? Because I've come to understand and accept the things that He has set in motion for us. Of course, I'm not a great master at comprehending how God works miracles. I certainly don't pretend to understand all of the things that He has done in my life either. Obviously--because realistically speaking, nobody can, no matter how hard we try to. God is simply too majestic, too grand, too profound compared to our existence (more on this in another post, I promise).

Nobody wants to be pessimistic, cynical, and plain old negative. And I know that was an absolute, but seriously? Who wants to live negatively? We need God. A cliche, but it's a simple truth that needs to resonate in our minds, hearts, and souls, 24/7. I lost the connection I have been establishing with Him in two weeks, and I become a pathetic and wretched human being again. I need Him. You need Him. He needs Him. She needs Him. They need Him. We need Him. And if you find yourself repulsed at the thought of needing someone else aside from yourself, or indignant at having been reminded that simple truth... please pray to Him. Begin by acknowledging that He is in control of your life, which means He has the power to drastically change your circumstances--for the better or for the worse--whatever it is, just like He did with mine... from a stubborn non-believer to an enthusiastic Christian believer. It's not too late, and nothing is impossible with God as your personal Lord and Savior.