"Sharing Jesus"

"God works in mysterious ways," testified one of the people (I feel bad that I forgot who it was) at our church's second evangelism seminar today. I definitely nodded my head. And others beside me concurred an Amen! And I realized then, that it was one of the easily identifiable Christian cliches that are commonly used today. It's direct and true. And if you really think about it, it's one of those simple and beautiful declarations that make you have mental montages of circumstances in your life where as Christians you thought of giving up, making up an excuse, becoming idle... and BAM--you're not. You're out there actively pursuing God.

That's what happened to me today. Last sunday, a church leader whom is very close to me, approached me with a blank sheet of paper and a pen that almost didn't work. She said, "Neng, I will sign you up for next week's evangelism seminar, OK." I was honestly taken aback, because in my head I thought that when you have the OK at the end of some kind of sentence, such as aforementioned, it was going to be in a question format. But she had an assertive tone, and she handed me the pen. I took it and started writing down my name (second person to sign up) and my mum's just in case because for some reason, I do depend on her presence to any church activities. While I was doing that, I was coming up with an excuse. Which I'm really pretty quick at, by the way. No kidding. It's shameful. I told her along the lines of what-if-my-mum-has-work? As soon as those string of words came out of my mouth, I knew I came up with a lame excuse, which I'm also really pretty bad at. The week passed by in a blur. Had an awesome Wednesday that I thank God for, that I will be thanking Him for the rest of my life. Had an even better Friday that also goes back to God. Being in a bible study setting is truly helpful and it just keeps you refreshed, like it does with me. It finished. The guests all went home. And I had a slice of pizza and an ice cream with my two younger brothers and their friends... and somewhere along the my-stomach-hurts-from-laughing-kind-of-laughter, I let out a yelped. A yelped. Like a severely wounded puppy. Followed by a thunderous, "Crap! I have to go to bed! There's a seminar at church tomorrow!!!" They laughed at me. And I ran the long flight of steep carpeted stairs. Saturday morning came, bright and light, peeking forcefully through my blinds. And I woke up.

It was about five or six in the morning maybe. And I was 100% certain that I was the first one awake. Not that I minded because I've always been a morning person. But I didn't bother getting up. The air was somehow cool. And there really wasn't any point to getting up at that moment, except probably get the day started on something. I knew my mum would come knocking at and hollering through the door when she woke up. Which she surely did about two hours later. And dread crept in through the door, slowly crawling on the carpet, reaching up to my bed covers, and finally wrapping me with fear and anxiety.

Afraid and nervous, I closed my eyes and attempted to go back to sleep. Which was incredibly ridiculous now that I think about it. Both of my parents were in the room with me. My mum using my laptop, and my dad who got in my bed too. And they were just volleying back jokes, literally LOL-ing. I didn't even sighed in resignation to the pre-ordained failed attempt. But I laughed with them. And joined in.

My parents and I had breakfast together because the rest of the pack were still asleep. And my mum and I prepared for the church seminar. And in no time at all, we were on our way to the beautiful loop 101 (sorry, I'm really obsessed with loop 101, they have some of the most breathtaking, most beautifully characteristic trees in God's creation!!!). And in retrospect, I didn't feel the antagonizing dread around me. But, I prayed in anyway as my mum was turning right at Olive--just had a Scintillating Epiphany!--St. And the next three-to-four minutes is in history.

We arrived late. But thankfully not late late. That would have been mortifying. And I had the most blessed opportunity to be sitting right next to an amazing man whose insights were brilliant and anyone could tell that his soul was actively pursuing God, and that the Holy Spirit was really in him, using him as an instrument to inspire me and engage the others into this "Sharing Jesus" seminar. The man actually had to scoot one seat to his right to offer me his seat, and he handed me a folder, which I decided that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

I open it to the page where we were at. I saw the literally bolded and italicized phrase: "Discovering My Life Mission." I read that and I felt this warm feeling gush through me. It was electrifying. First of all, I love discoveries of any kind. It keeps me going for days on end. Secondly, I love life in general, life specifically, and the little things in between that has to do with life. It's truly an amazing gift that God has bestowed on us! And thirdly, especially in the last couple of days, I started seeing myself in missions for God. And being there, right then, made me realized a simple truth: I was in the right place, at the right time. We all were. But considering my earlier attack, I was superduper ecstatic and delighted to be there where I would be learning more about God (which is another thing that I love so much). Under this beautiful heading, it says: "to discover your mission in this world, you must first understand God's overall purpose in creating human beings, and Jesus' mission in coming to earth."

That alone on the first page evoked an excitement such as I've never experienced before. It was a feeling I wanted to prolong. And learning about why God had created us sincerely wanted me to serve and dedicate my life to Him even more. Here's why:

1. We were made to have a purpose
2. We were made to be like Jesus
3. We were made to do good works
4. We were made to live for eternity

Because even before we were born, God has already decided our life's mission. He custom-made us for that purpose specifically. And it's a God's calling that we should answer to...

So what's this mission? Purpose? Calling? It is "to seek and to save what was lost" (Luke 19:10). Isn't that a beautiful honor? God is calling us to go forth, to spread His word, to bring more people back to Him, to the Light where we all belong. When I understood and accepted that particular truth, the little identity questions I have were answered. In that room, feeling the Holy Spirit inside me, and having God with us, I started making sense to myself.

God is truly magnificent, great, and whole. It made me realized how blessed and lucky I am to be a part of the soul-winning purpose for the life in eternity. It is such a beautiful honor to be one of God's chosen people to be a witness to what He has done for me, so I can in turn bring others back to Him.

Acceptance

OK. I'm sorry I haven't put up those blogposts I promised about what I had learned last week today. Or yesterday. I was busy, but not the justifiable kind of way. So, I honestly don't have an excuse.

But, here's a lil' something for today:

There's this guy whom I've known for about three years, and in these three years we have shared--getting to know each other and other stuff--we've sarcastically and hypocritically labeled our relationship under the "It's complicated" category. Sarcastically, because we're not in an actual relationship. Hypocritically, because we do not believe in that "It's complicated" label. Aren't all relationships complicated??? And he and I scoff at those other legit-slash-not-so-legit couples out there that have admitted their "It's complicated" status.

You don't need to know that. But I'm making a point.

So anyway, in the last couple of days, he and I have been completely "qi." I forgot what the technical definition really means, but it's an Eastern philosophical thought dating back to ancient Chinese. For us, it's our way of mocking each other for "being good and zen."

Today, as I've said, we've been qi. I was telling him about a new vision I had, which would eventually become a future mission all thanks to the divine power of God. He said he'd be expecting this future accomplishment in ten year's time. And I immediately stopped him on that thought process because I already knew that I wouldn't be able to. In ten year's time, I'm still in school. Either working on my master's or PhD. Why? He asked. Because I want to learn more. But since I was in my "whatever-eh-mode," I was being funny and I told him that I wanted to do the bossing... which was true, and which made sense.

So began "the authority" conversation. Everyone experiences the bossed-around-phase. I told him that I don't have a problem with it anymore because I realized that it's one of the most inevitable things in this universe. And he admitted that he still has a problem with authority. And he complimented me on being able to finally come to terms with it. So I replied: accept it.

Hence, the little testimony I shared with him. And now I'm going to share with you.

I've been raised as a Christian, but up until recently, I've only been a Christian. Just one of the many labels that I use to describe myself. I wouldn't go far as to say that I'm a true Christian because I don't believe that there could ever be one (that sounded cynical, but that was me being logical). And I don't know what that truly entails. So, ever since I became a Christian Christian, when I finally belived that Jesus Christ is my personal Lord and Savior, and that He is The only Way to God in Heaven, I saw a vast difference in who I am now and who I was then. Even better, I feel it. And through my Christian faith, everyday is honestly a fresh new start. Everyday is a fresh new wave of learning experiences that somehow all relate, or go back, to God.

In these past few months since I have accepted Jesus Christ into my heart, I found myself surrendering to the belief that He is out there, in us, working miracles. That alone surprised me because I've always been a stubborn individual person growing up. But ever since I've seen and felt God on an intimate level, there's just this release. My walk with Him isn't much compared to what others have gone through spiritually, and what they have sacrificed for Him, but my acceptance has helped me a lot. It's helped me sort things out easily and come around quickly.

Of course, I still struggle with understanding and accepting certain things as they come. And there are others, where I'm just downright stubborn to. But I have a conviction that I will come to terms with it. I know that I will be able to accept all of things He has willed to happen in His time.

If you're also struggling with accepting things in your life like I sometimes am, pray with me. Dear God, please remind me in every small thing that I do that You are my Lord and master, and that I am only Your servant. Remind me that everything You have willed to happen in my life is all for Your purpose, and that it is for my own good. I need You to take away any fiber of stubbornness, arrogance, and selfishness inside me. Change my heart and make me a humble person so I may bring more glory to You. Lord, O God, help me and stop this struggle. I want to remain in my walk with You. Please make me accept the things I have a hard time accepting. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Refreshed!

I have really been out of touch with God lately. And that truly upsets me since I really want Him always in my life! I want His guidance all the time because I'm such an indecisive person and I easily get distracted. I want His deliverance because I easily get tempted to revert back to my old self--thoughts, actions, words, feelings--and I have no intention of becoming that old person again. Now that I have seen and felt what it's like to be in a relationship with Him, I realized that I want more of that. And if anything, it's a realization that I want to come true. And it's the one realization that I'm most certain about.

I went to our group's bible study last week again, as well as the sunday service, after many days of absence. In retrospect, it was kind of funny-slash-weird how a Jewish rabbi's message on the TV reminded me to pull myself together and get myself to church immediately. When I did, it was another BAM! experience!!! And like I was telling my old friends, "when God wants us to do something, there is no stopping it from happening."

If you're like me who has seen and felt God's work in our lives, and has lost the connection with Him, please pray with me: Heavenly Father, I'm sorry for being apart from Your Holiness. I apologize for not giving You the time You deserve to praise You for the blessings You continue and abundantly give. I didn't seek Your guidance and direction when I found myself lost and confused. Lord, O God, I need You in my life. Please come into my heart and show me the Way. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, I pray. Amen.

I will be back tomorrow to share with all of you what I had learned from the bible study meeting and the church service last week. God Bless and goodnight!

Apart

In the last couple of weeks, life has been stressful and time consuming due to school stuffs and life post HS (mostly). The past few months went by extremely fast that I couldn't remember any minor details that happened--and I'm really good at remembering all the unnecessary-slash-insignificant minor details by the way, especially the kind that make people go: "Dude!-What-the-Flip?-How-can-you-still-remember-that?"--or even the little significant things that are supposed to be remembered. I don't know. But there's just really been a lot of brain-related overload lately. In short, the preoccupation has been dead on agonizing.

Funnily enough, I was the young teenager who craved preoccupation because if I didn't have anything to do or to say or to think about... well... I honestly don't know what would become of me. I don't think I'd be here right now telling my story because my parents would send me off to some secluded mental hospital, where I'd become the second daughter they can't dare talk about.

OK... rambling. The point I'm trying to make is that I haven't been in touch with God lately because of my stressful earthly life. I finished Francis Chan's Crazy Love a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been to any bible studies in months. And I haven't attended church services in the last couple of Sundays.... which basically means I've been in a dark, miserable place in the last couple of weeks.

I was back to being impatient. I was back to being easily frustrated. I was back to being lazy. I was back to cussing. I was back to using some repetitive and negative word choice. I was back to complaining and rolling my eyes, which is really self-disappointing because I was progressing. I really was getting better at trying to control my thoughts, feelings, actions, and word choices. This all happened when I stopped communicating with Him for a day, and couldn't bring myself to really invest ten to fifteen minutes to talk to Him again the next. Like seriously. Imagine how everything I've been trying to change--because of my relationship with God-- snowballed the minute I lost the connection. It's... scary, frustrating, and depressing. Just plain negative!

And here's my lil' theory on that: We become negative so that there's room to become positive. We are hopeless so that we become hopeful once again. We get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of life so that we become found for our days in eternity. And when we are down, there's nowhere else to look and go, but up... where God is.

Back when I was a little girl, I didn't believe in God. When I became a young teenager, I questioned His existence. When I was in my mid-teens, I questioned whether I believed in Him or not. And now that I'm in my late-teens, I know deep in my heart that I believe in Him, in His Power and Grace because for His Love for us. How do I know? Because I've come to understand and accept the things that He has set in motion for us. Of course, I'm not a great master at comprehending how God works miracles. I certainly don't pretend to understand all of the things that He has done in my life either. Obviously--because realistically speaking, nobody can, no matter how hard we try to. God is simply too majestic, too grand, too profound compared to our existence (more on this in another post, I promise).

Nobody wants to be pessimistic, cynical, and plain old negative. And I know that was an absolute, but seriously? Who wants to live negatively? We need God. A cliche, but it's a simple truth that needs to resonate in our minds, hearts, and souls, 24/7. I lost the connection I have been establishing with Him in two weeks, and I become a pathetic and wretched human being again. I need Him. You need Him. He needs Him. She needs Him. They need Him. We need Him. And if you find yourself repulsed at the thought of needing someone else aside from yourself, or indignant at having been reminded that simple truth... please pray to Him. Begin by acknowledging that He is in control of your life, which means He has the power to drastically change your circumstances--for the better or for the worse--whatever it is, just like He did with mine... from a stubborn non-believer to an enthusiastic Christian believer. It's not too late, and nothing is impossible with God as your personal Lord and Savior.

Every Single Thing... Part One

... happens for a reason. By "every single thing," I literally mean it. Word for word. Letter for letter, down to the period. I've heard this phrase countless of times. I've said this phrase innumerable times. I've contemplated this phrase several times. But I haven't taken the time to pause and reflect on what it truly means for me, for you, and for the world around us. Have you?

If you have, did you reach the same conclusion as I did... that every-single-thing-happens-for-a-reason-according-to-God's-plan-and-God's-timetable-? That's right. Now, before you scoff and pssshhh this post, or raise your eyebrow and say nah-uh! or contradict me with your coincidence-and-slash-or-serendipity-theories, finish reading this first. I challenge you.

A couple of years ago, I was one of those people who easily believed in coincidence and serendipity. I thought that minor, insignificant things were a coincidence; I thought that really unexpected yet fortunate instances were awesome cases of serendipity. And if events fall neither of the two category, pop-culture taught me that it was karma. Easy as 123, ABC. Lately, however, I've come to believe that every single thing we have going on in life--here on Earth--happens for a reason because of what God has intended, in God's time. And I admit that it isn't just a beginner's belief. So what, you ask? It's become such a strong conviction, taking root inside me and overwhelming every fiber of my being, that I feel I must testify to the rest of you and share how it has changed me thus far.

I was born to a young, converted born-again Christian married couple who had lost their first-born child only eight minutes after her birth, seven months into their marriage. I know about dear Sarah Louise's eight-minute existence, but we hardly ever discuss her. I can count the number of times my mother acknowledged her birth with the use of only one hand, while I cannot recall--and I have an exemplary memory--a single memory when my dad had talked about her at all. And though my parents barely mention her name, simple inference rules that her death rocked their strong and steady faith with God, particularly my Dad's. Hence, the three-times-a-year-random-Sunday-at-church. Hence, the uncomfortable feeling I used to always have whenever it came to that Sunday, when I found myself in a church environment. I didn't know what to do, what to expect. I didn't know anyone apart from my parents and two brothers. It was hot and cramped. And the pastors my family have had were completely disengaging, church services were excruciatingly uninviting and boring. The only (and honest) entertainment I had while at church back then was Mark, the bassist, who was on the platform area for approximately 30 minutes in a two-hour-long church service. Seriously disinteresting.

However, that whole thought process about, and prejudice against, attending church services changed when my family moved to Avondale, Arizona... and started going to Valley International Christian Church (V.I.C.C.) in Peoria. And the things that I've learned through V.I.C.C. is just so BAM! It's truly beautiful and amazing. If you need a church, and want to start an/continue your intimate walk with God, visit us at 9000 W Olive Ave. Peoria, AZ 85345, Sundays @ 11AM. I 100% guarantee you that the things you will learn from Pastor Allan G's sunday messages are both enlightening, entertaining, and daily-life applicable. If you still doubt me, the more that you have to visit us and check out what being a Christian means and see what V.I.C.C. is all about. There's nothing wrong in trying. And there's definitely nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

But back to what I was saying... I just had another enlightenment a few minutes ago while I was typing the previous paragraph:

Arizona --> Sun --> Light --> God.

See what I mean? It seems like there's just an endless flow of enlightenment from God, and this statement are evident throughout my last couple of years of high school, about the same time I moved to AZ, about the same time I had been attending V.I.C.C., and about the same time I had been really wanting a positive relationship with Him.

I was fifteen, and completely MLW... probably as miserable, lost, and wretched, as someone could get at fifteen. I openly defied my parents. I purposefully ditched school until my mum suggested that I should stop, 'cause I was just wasting gas money, which I immediately agreed to. I stopped around mid-April, which meant I had a lot of extra time on my hands 'till sophomore year of HS. Cohabitation with my parents, two little brothers, and two family friends, in that cramped 610 Merrill St. apartment space was awkward, violent, and maddening in an I-wonder-who-will-kill-who-first-? kind of way. Then, I couldn't take the pretentious civility anymore because living it was even more frightening, so I worked on being positive again, hoping that my dad wouldn't kill me or kick me out of the house (literally speaking). By June, everything was going well in the Morgadez household--more jokes and less verbal outbursts. My dad and I were finally seeing eye-to-eye, and I was determined to make amends, get my act together, and sort of just ease into a I'm-going-to-fix-my-life kind of phase... which I did.

I took remedial summer classes to take care of my freshmen English and math credits. In retrospect, it would have probably taken me about two years to get this objective done if it wasn't for the sweet, kindhearted Mrs. Pingree who had passed me in her English class despite the lack of attendance, and the independent study option at Cypress Charter HS, where I took the second half of my Algebra 1 class. I passed my two remedial classes: B+ for Algebra 1, A+ for English. And with receiving those marks at remedial summer classes, I learned a valuable lesson. As long as you put your mind and heart to something, and as long as you persevere to obtain a goal, you will get there.

Naturally, I was ecstatic. Like you wouldn't believe. I had accomplished something. And that B+ and A+ pushed me even more to breeze my way through the field of education. Numbers were in plain-speak again. My summer English teacher had told me I was an excellent writer--a compliment I hadn't received since 8th grade. The feeling was just overwhelmingly positive, that it became hard to contain my excitement.

July came. My mum and I started talking about school again. I had two options: either I go to Harbor High where most of my friends from middle school are going, or to Cypress Charter, where it was small and cozy and just a block away. At the time, the latter was more of a realistic option in a no-duh! kind of way. And it was also, in the back of my mind, ideal. I had realized that I wanted to get away from a big high school setting. A change, if you will. And I've really been going back and forth with the two school options because even though CCHS was more realistic and more ideal for me, CCHS meant some serious environmental change and adaptation. The most bewildering thing, in retrospect, is how I debated for weeks between the two schools despite knowing straight off that CCHS is where I needed to be. With that settled, I told my mum about my decision. And we soon drove to CCHS, like a two-minute drive, to talk to Mr. Forester.

Uncontainable excitement. I had realized that whatever the change at CCHS, I was going to be OK about it, that I would adapt well. My mum and I were finally at the office door. My left hand was on the door handle, I was facing my mum, elated and anxious. She told me something, and my world, at that point, disintegrated into oblivion.