Psalm 91

Last Monday, my mom and I went to GCC to inquire about their NET schedule and policy. She had told me to drive on the freeway so I pleaded with her that we go through the McDowell Rd. exit to loop 101. Going up on that ramp is just beyond me. I wouldn't be able to breathe. Tsk. And so, I was facing my fear of heights again. Aren't those brutal escalators in Arrowhead Mall enough?

So I drove to our destination while silently praying to God all the while that He would please pretty please guide my hands safely. Because the truth is, although I desperately would rather be just a passenger, I think being one for most of my life may have caused me some serious bout of paranoia. Or maybe it's just because I've watched too many freaky-car-accident related movies. I'm not sure. All I know is that I see crazy, stupid, reckless people driving, and who I believe are harboring some intense if-other-people-are-doing-this-while-driving-then-why-can't-I-? attitude. And it scares the living daylights out of me!

Either there's a girl madly texting, a guy smoking, a woman putting some make-up on, or a man looking anywhere but the road. What is up with that??? Don't these people realize that they could get hurt because of it? Or worse, that they could end up stealing other people's lives away from them?!

I was driving and afraid... which was not the right and best state of mind to be in when maneuvering a car. So for miles, I prayed, until we were on that bridge, where I literally had a hard time breathing. And so I prayed even more to God.

It wasn't until my mum and I were at Lee-Lee's however that I felt a little bit serene considering the fact that I was pushing our cart in the produce section rather furiously, the wheels of my mind turning. I had realized that my old friends Mr. Repression and Ms. Denial were back to haunt me. Not only that, but to remind me how much of a loser I am to allow them to oppress me, that I was nothing more but a soon-to-be-nineteen-year-old-girl who is still afraid of heights. How mortifying is that? There I was, picking up cucumbers, confronted with the ugly reality that I was afraid to face my fears. And not just any kind of fear, mind you, but every single fear I have since I was such a little kid. Well... most.

Throughout the drive back home--with my mum driving--I was really bothered. I was angry at myself, jealous of others who drove the roads with self-assurance and ease. We arrived at home, and I still thought about my two old friends whom I thought I'd successfully managed to ditch a while ago. Can't they understand that I don't want them around??? So, pathetically, I sulked.

Then around dinner, God came to the rescue! My grandma had buzzed me on YM! to inquire about my younger brother who had gotten sick during Youth Camp in California. I reported to her that although he was getting better, he was still in a bad shape, and that because of that he was isolating himself. Through my grandma, God spoke to me. She told me to read Psalm 91, to memorize it if I could. Here are my two favorite promises found in this prayer:

1. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust" (NIV, Ps. 91.1-2).
2. "'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation" (NIV, Ps. 91.14-16).

After reading Psalm 91, I was numb with excitement. My grandma may have meant it to ask God to heal my little brother, but I knew that it was also an answer to my burning questions as to why I was still afraid, given that I pray really hard for my driving skill to improve. And I am extremely particular when asking God to take away my fears pertaining to technical road journeys.

In no time at all, I got my answer. I realized that I haven't fully surrendered my life to God's reigns. I realized that I don't trust God completely with every fiber of my being yet. And that resistant force was impeding me from going to places. It's hindering me from moving forward, and actually dealing with my fears. By not wholeheartedly trusting God, I am making myself slave to my fears, instead of being my fears' master, as God is to me.

The beginning verses of Psalm 91 clearly states that if we are living in God, meaning that we trust Him to keep us safe, then He will protect us. The key word is trust. In the last verses of this chapter, God summarizes concisely His examples--in former verses--what He will do for us, once we surrender our lives to Him with our trust.

I can mutter desperate pleas of help to God in all the languages I know. I can beseech Him with requests for inner calm, presence of mind, self-assurance, and a round-the-clock rational head to deal with any kind of driving problems when I have to. So can you. And others that are struggling like us. But the thing is...

How can God shelter us, deliver us, protect us from harm's way, when we can't even provide Him one thing? Absolute trust in Him to do all of the above.